Santa Silverman went to get the Flomax out of the medicine cabinet. This time of year got him all ferklempt; he had to be (1) a giving elf, (2) a lighter of candles, (3) an eater of milk and cookies, and (4) potato pancakes. No wonder he was so goddamn fat. He grabbed his flab and shook it. Jello.

“Sarah,” he yelled to his daughter downstairs. “Where’s my big black belt? And Jesus, I can’t find my yarmulke either! Ho hoy vey!”

Santa Silverman was urban and urbane, sooty sometimes, and he was always stressing education. He wanted Sarah to marry either a Santa or a Silverman, maybe both—but since he was the only Silver Santa Man, he doubted that was going to happen. “Man, hi ho Silver, oy vey and away, you Trixie, you Dancer, you Mildred.” He practiced his Torah portion, this strange role he had been prescribed. Otherwise, he’d forget the reindeer names—and the reindeer games, well fuhgeddaboutit—Seymour was always changing the rules, and Prancer cheated like a motherfucker.

Santa Silverman was friends with Tony Soprano, Gloria Steinem, the notorious RBG, the Easter Bunny (that guy was a riot when he was drunk), all the welfare queens, and the guys at the corner down on Avenue D. SS had never even seen a gun. SS was happiest with a child on his knee but not in a weird way, not like your Uncle Stanley—“Did your mother warn you about your Uncle Stanley?” he yelled down to Sarah.

Santa Silverman was mad at the Jews and mad at the Christians. He wanted to run pagan in the woods in Scandinavia, eat the red mushroom with the white polka dots, or even drink the urine of a reindeer who’d eaten it (except: not Mildred). That was where he came from. That and the hot desert of Galilee, before the manger. From Norwegian Wood and the rivers of Babylon.

But he was here, not going pagan for now, preparing to give and receive gifts, preferably under $20 and they can be traded in only twice. He put on Bruce Springsteen, Springsteen always grounded him. “Born in the USA, I was, born in the USA,” he sang along. “Oh yeah, Bruce,” he said, “you got that right.”