I’m doing that thing. That thing I’m good at. Acting like I don’t care. When, in actual fact, if I’m being honest, it’s all I can think about. Oh my God. I’m so excited. Birds in the trees, birds on the feeder, birds in the air. B.I.R.D.S. Birds!

Wow…dial…it…down. Gotta keep calm. Calm and  collected. A calm cat is a happy cat. I can do this. I’m going to lick this paw and then turn my head around slowly the other way to lick my side like I just don’t care. There. Easy. Now, if I look this way, I can’t even see anything. I’m just a cat sitting here, in the sun, doing a bit of grooming and minding my own business. First my left ear, then my right ear, why maybe there’s even something on my nose. If I wasn’t thinking about the birds, I’d probably be checking on my nose, wouldn’t I? I mean, just to make sure. There. See, I can do this. Just me and the deck chair and the tree and the branch and the birdies, birdies, birdies…birds in my tummy, feathers in my mouth, little fluffy bundles in my paws. So awesome and amazing and ap-pe-ti-zing.

OK, stop. Pull yourself together. Be cool. Take a breath. Now I’m going to stand up and stretch because that’s what I would do if I was all sleepy and out of shape. I might even yawn. Yeah, just like this, mouth open wide, all dopey and bored. The kind of thing a cat would do if it was full of supermarket food and milk. A cat that’s forgotten what its claws are for.

Which one shall I look at? No, don’t look. OK, look. But only a quick one. A glance. Just look sideways, like you’re licking your tummy. Through the legs, there, like that. Oh my goodness, I want the green one! That green one with the red front. It’s so tasty looking. I can just imagine how soft and downy that would be in my mouth. All limp and jiggly. I’m so excited. I’ll take it into the house and leave it on the pillow. On her bed. She’ll make that noise that means she likes it. That high-pitched one with the squeak at the end. She will love this!

I’m so close I can hear it nibbling on the seeds in the feeder. I’m right behind it. Easy now—watch that stupid bell around your neck. Keep it slow. On your belly. Like a snake. I can see the feathers, all puffed out and shiny. If I stretch a little more, just one last inch…

“Pumpkin. Don’t you dare. Get away from that bird at once.”

Good grief, what is that screeching woman doing now?

“You bad cat. You leave that bird alone.”

Oh no, she’s ruining everything. Shut up, shut up, shut up. If she keeps up that racket the bird will…where is it? It’s gone. Up in the sky. Over the house. I can’t believe it. So close I could taste it and she ruined everything…

“Oh puss, puss, puss.”

Oh no, she’s making that weird mewing noise. Coming over to play all nicey-nicey and scrape her bony hands across my back. Ugh. I’ll do that purring thing, I guess. She likes that. Maybe if I can keep this up, the afternoon won’t be a complete bust. Maybe she’s got that fish in the can. The one I like. The one with the chunks. Yeah, hi Lady! Nice to see you too. Thanks for everything.