Please do not tell me again that “you just need to follow the directions.” You must be kidding! Have you noticed how bakers always appear so humble and sweet as they toss off how easy it is to bake their sugary concoctions? Well, after years of suffering through baking disasters—burning pans, fingers, substituting salt for sugar by accident, and having to compost a majority of my own dessert attempts so as to not poison my guests—I have finally realized that it is what is not written in the directions that really matters.
Directions like “Beat until smooth, blend till sticky, don’t overwork the dough, use a figure eight, stir until just blended, incorporate the eggs, don’t kill the yeast, use the high protein flour,” and countless other doozies are all meaningless commands developed by a smug, retired baker out to ruin our egos. Have you ever pondered this instruction, “Whip till stiff peaks form, but not too stiff”?!! What kind of existential, oxymoron craziness is that?
And then there are the questions they ask after the baked goods do not turn out well. “Oh really, it didn’t rise, did you follow the directions?” “Did you measure first and then sift the flour, or measure after you sifted?”
We all know that the directions only said, “add one cup of sifted flour,” leaving it so vague that we have to consult five friends and Wikipedia to figure out this chicken and egg riddle! I am so tired of their secret baking society lingo! What kind of crazy language is this?
And then, when I think that I am coming to the end of the directions, the pans are greased, the oven is hot and company is on its way, I read the small print: “must use a springform pan”!
I decided two things twenty years ago: that I would never change my own oil in my car, and I would refuse to follow any recipe that required a springform pan. All you ever hear about are the disasters that might befall you when using one. “Be careful, they always leak out the bottom”; “don’t put it in the dishwasher, they tend to rust”; “be very careful not to pinch your fingers when you unclip it”!
Then more instructions pile in about how to care for the pan once it has done its duty. “Scrub the pan clean and dry thoroughly, then reapply oil so it won’t rust”! Why are we using a pan that will pinch our fingers, leak all over our oven, poison us with rust, and then demand that we massage it every night with oil?
I love cake, I am serious about that, but I seriously doubt that I will ever buy a springform pan. I bought one once and then returned it, just to see what it would be like to own one. Hard to stack, the bottom kept falling out, seriously sharp edges emerged once you separated the inside round disk from the protections of the sides of the pan.
Why do bakers love to collect useless gadgets and speak in impossible code? I beg of you, bakers at large, please do not suggest that I get a piping bag. Life is too short. What you do behind kitchen doors is none of my business, but please consider carefully the psychological consequences of telling an unsuspecting novice baker to “just follow the directions.” This can lead to years of self-hate and low self-esteem. So I offer this suggestion, or instruction: you bake and I will eat your fluffy creations, but we will both know that “simply following the directions” is not that simple.
